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My Life Had Stood a Loaded Gun: Adolescents at the Apocalypse : a Teacher's Notes
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My Life Had Stood a Loaded Gun: Adolescents at the Apocalypse : a Teacher's Notes

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Thirty-three-year-old Theo Padnos was approaching the end of a Ph.D. in comparative literature, but found his graduate work stifling. Out of frustration and a longing to throw himself into the hurly burly of everyday life, he showed up to a local jail with resume in hand. For Padnos, this was simultaneously a great escape and frightening pathway into the closed off lives of young criminals.
The Woodstock Regional Correctional Facility, a holding tank, houses Vermont's misfits: sex criminals, murderers, drunks, and, as Padnos discovered, a clique of extravagantly violent, strangely articulate young men. Padnos was intrigued, and he hoped to be admitted into their world, and to hear their secrets.
In this unflinching, sad, and funny portrait, Padnos describes the doomed young men - teenaged to late twenties - that fascinate him. His students had committed grisly crimes: beatings, drug dealing, rape, murder, even matricide. Padnos exposes the gory facts of their individual crimes, even as he tries to understand the delusions that lie behind their acts. Padnos listened to the prisoners' rants, their frustrations and explanations, their excuses and justifications with an open mind. While trust is a word with little meaning in prison, he eschewed the usual safety precautions, conducting the class with complete reliance on older, tougher inmates to help him keep the class together. In this unique environment, Padnos was able to get his students to talk about their lives, their self-images, and the visions of apocalypse that motivated their crimes.
He writes about the truths the inmates revealed to him. Loners, joiners, and charismatic leaders, these prisoners had in common a devout belief in the power of violent self-expression. In Padnos's classroom, reading Mark Twain, Flannery O'Connor, Denis Johnson, and Stephen King, the students examined the American past, searching for forbearers and fellow travelers. They inevitably discovered whay they were looking for, but they also glimpsed the great moral cost of violence in American life. The conclusions they drew from this experience are surprising and instructive to anyone interested in how some young people make sense of American culture today.

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