Funny Little Pregnant Things

This book is not designed to tell you the "best" way to do anything. You’ll have plenty of people telling you, "This is how I did it and my way is, in fact, the best.” All pregnancies are different and so are the babies they produce, so one method of preparation may work for one baby and not the next. "They," whoever "they" are, seem to change the rules each year anyway. “Microwave your deli meat, never mind just use caution while eating." Good cause I wasn’t going to do that anyway. "Feel free to gain lots of weight while pregnant. Actually, we are only going to budget you 20lbs." Whoops too late. "Have a martini and a cigarette it will help you relax, sorry we got that one wrong.” Yeah no shi*, Sherlock. As a mom-to-be, I read a few of the prerequisite pregnancy books, and although factual, I found most of them to be very dull. When Chapter 3 let me know my baby was now the size of lemon, I gave up. Is there actual practicality in knowing that my child resembles produce? Where was the good stuff? After having two babies, I realized these books left out so many little details that you would only know if you had delivered a child. Details that are very important. For example, beware of the baby registry and all the crap you will never use, or be prepared to get breast milk all over everything you own! At least provide me with a pregnancy book with some humor, then maybe I can make it to Chapter 6, where my baby now resembles a melon. In order to help those like me, who want some realistic tips in an easy to read fashion, this book is an account of some of the ridiculous things you may encounter while pregnant. It also includes, “the good, the bad and often gross stuff,” people forget to mention. For example, there is a greater than average chance you will shi* yourself while giving birth. (Pregnancy: who ever said it would be easy?)