The Seven Deadly Virtues ― 18 Conservative Writers on Why the Virtuous Life Is Funny As Hell

An all-star team of eighteen conservative writers offers a hilarious, insightful, sanctimony-free remix of William Bennett’sThe Book of Virtueswithout parental controls. The Seven Deadly Virtues sits down next to readers at the bar, buys them a drink, and an hour or three later, ushers them into the revival tent without them even realizing it.
 
The book’s contributors include Sonny Bunch, Christopher Buckley, David Iowahawk” Burge, Christopher Caldwell, Andrew Ferguson, Jonah Goldberg, Michael Graham, Mollie Hemingway, Rita Koganzon, Matt Labash, James Lileks, Rob Long, Larry Miller, P. J. O’Rourke, Joe Queenan, Christine Rosen, and Andrew Stiles. Jonathan V. Last, senior writer at theWeekly Standard, editor of the collection, is also a contributor. All eighteen essays in this book are appearing for the first time anywhere.
 
In the book’s opening essay, P. J. O’Rourke observes: Virtue has by no means disappeared. It’s as much in public view as ever. But it’s been strung up by the heels. Virtue is upside down. Virtue is uncomfortable. Virtue looks ridiculous. All the change and the house keys are falling out of Virtue’s pants pockets.”
 
Here are the virtues everyone (including the book’s contributors) was taught in Sunday school but have totally forgotten about until this very moment. In this sanctimony-free zone:
 
Joe Queenan observes: In essence, thrift is a virtue that resembles being very good at Mahjong. You’ve heard about people who can do it, but you’ve never actually met any of them.”
P. J. O’Rourke notes: Fortitude is quaint. We praise the greatest generation for having it, but they had aluminum siding, church on Sunday, and jobs that required them to wear neckties or nylons (but never at the same time). We don’t want those either.”
Christine Rosen writes: A fellowship grounded in sociality means enjoying the company of those with whom you actually share physical space rather than those with whom you regularly and enthusiastically exchange cat videos.”
Rob Long offers his version of modern day justice: if you sleep late on the weekend, you are forced to wait thirty minutes in line at Costco.
Jonah Goldberg offers: There was a time when this desire-to-do-good-in-all-things was considered theonly kind of integrity: Angels are better than mortals. They’re always certain about what is right because, by definition, they’re doing God’s will.’ Gabriel knew when it was okay to remove a mattress tag and Sandalphon always tipped the correct amount.”
Sonny Bunch dissects forbearance, observing that the fictional Two Minutes Hate of George Orwell’s1984 is now actually a reality directed at living, breathing people. Thanks, in part, to the Internet, Its targets are designated by a spontaneously created mobone that, due to its hive-mind natureis virtually impossible to call off.”
 
By the time readers have completed The Seven Deadly Virtues, they won’t even realize that they’ve just been catechized into an entirely differentand bettermoral universe.

Jonathan V. Last is a senior writer at the Weekly Standard, a Washington-based political magazine, and author ofWhat to Expect When No One’s Expecting: America’s Coming Demographic Disaster (Encounter Books). His writings have been featured in theWall Street Journal, the Washington Post, the Philadelphia Inquirer, theNew York Post, the Claremont Review of Books, First Things, and elsewhere.